so, this may very well end up being post #2 if i don’t delete it alongside the others.

it has been years, literal unexaggerated years since a woman has last made me happy, and years since i’ve felt heartache; things that i feared after the last time i could never feel again.

the last time being the most impactful beyond measure to the others, ironically was the most detached i’ve ever been with someone.  a crush that i held for years came into friendship, friendship that only worked because i knew this girl would never care for me.  then came rumors, hope, and possibility, all of which i regarded as false and delusional, and only just after the realization of truth came and i finally believed in it and everything was going so perfect and right, inside and out of what i foresaw in a relationship, did it all crumble to hell.

3 years of adoration, 1 week of bliss, 4 months of misery, 28 months of being emotionally dead.  and now that you’re up to speed~

when i finally stopped hurting i realized the pain seemed to take away my pleasure, i felt emotionally and sexually dead, i stopped caring, i felt hopeless, i gave up, and i felt this was how things were going to be from now on; i would remain stoic and my endeavors would remain utterly worthless and life seemed pointless.   hell, the last girl i dated had left me december 25th, 2004, and i can’t even recall the last time i’ve been kissed, though i can assure you it wasn’t on that day.

to get to the point, which might seem surprising that there is one rather than just my sob story drivel, i encountered feelings i didn’t think i would ever experience again.  in a sort of random decision to watch terminator salvation at its midnight release, i happened across someone and by rare fortune found myself in conversation with her.  what we said wasn’t really important, it was fairly stupid honestly, just us exchanging coy lines about trivial concepts; it was simply as all hell “amazing”.   i cannot recall how long it’s been since i’ve been so happy to talk with someone, or how it feels to wish you could spend just a second more in that moment.

most of the movie i spent just thinking of her, and hoping i could bump into her again after the theater began to empty.  quite to my disbelief i did, i saw her some distance away leaning up against the wall staring straight toward me.  nervous and happy as could be i step closer and closer, and when my approach draws close her gaze widens and her eyes follow me, and just when i stand within the comfortable distance to speak, and she stares wide eyed at me, she says hello… to the person directly in front of me.

i choke on my own hello, grasping what just happened in the middle of my breath, and sulk past her.  in lack of content with this, or perhaps just me not yet fully grasping the concept she had no intents of talking to me, i turn back around for just a second and make eye contact.  now in a moment of sheer nostalgia i make a much more complete fool of myself and said something about a movie, i’m not even sure what i said before my attempt at making words come out of my mouth melted into a sigh, and i walked away feeling a very familiar thing.  mostly i felt stupid, but there was  just enough of a hint of infatuation that i could not stop thinking about her and beating myself up about it from that point up until this very moment where i decided to share the experience with my readers (search engine spiders).

so i sit here a moment away from going to sleep, feeling sort of bittersweet in the knowledge that out of nowhere i was able to have some rekindled spark and look at the world just a bit more like i used to, but at the same time having it come out of yet another bad encounter.

anyway, the movie  was pretty good, it had a serious nature somewhere between the first and second movies, and wasn’t at all cheesy or retarded like the 3rd.  if you’re a fan of the terminator series though and planned on watching this at some point, i recommend you get your popcorn in hand and your ass in a seat quickly, because it won’t be long before other people’s incessantly large mouths ruin the surprises and interesting moments the movie has in it.

so there we have it, my first movie review post.

…yup…

l j holbrook