my hopes certainly escalated while i was under review, but i didn’t really feel at odds with being turned down for the position so much. what did get inside my head was the reasoning given as to why i was being rejected. my style was commented on, not really giving a name or label to it, but insinuating that i in fact have a definitive style, and that it doesn’t mesh well with them.

as i take such a comment in and chew on it for a while, i really sit back and browse through my work and wonder, “what the hell is my style?”. i don’t feel like i’ve ever become grounded to one style in particular and hence lost the ability to adapt, but now i wonder could there be some truth to it…

if i take the comment at face value and believe it to mean nothing more or less than what was stated; assuming that there’s no sugar coated professionalism or anything i’m unaware of between the lines, it suggests that i could take two completely different pieces of my work, mix it in with work from other people, and expect someone who has never seen anything laid out in front of them before and match the two pieces of mine up with not much more than a glance.

on one end, that’s a fairly nice possiblity, if it’s true that i have a look of my own that’s something very hard to complain about, as it’s one of the things nearly everyone in my line of work strives for. on the other end however, i have no fondness of the suggestion that if i had need to emulate something in order to get a desired result i would be incompetent to do so.

the last thing i would ever want is to fall into a niche, but i wonder if now isn’t a time to try and run in different directions to try and counter such a possibility, or if i should be trying to identify any recurring continuity in my work and center on developing with what has got me this far.

then again, maybe what i should be looking at how much sway i’ve been giving to one opinion, when in all honesty the comment could have been a nice way of letting me down.

disappointment has to fit in somewhere i guess, and today i found myself feeling a measure of it; here’s to hoping the dosage doesn’t increase~

l j holbrook

it has been years, literal unexaggerated years since a woman has last made me happy, and years since i’ve felt heartache; things that i feared after the last time i could never feel again.

the last time being the most impactful beyond measure to the others, ironically was the most detached i’ve ever been with someone.  a crush that i held for years came into friendship, friendship that only worked because i knew this girl would never care for me.  then came rumors, hope, and possibility, all of which i regarded as false and delusional, and only just after the realization of truth came and i finally believed in it and everything was going so perfect and right, inside and out of what i foresaw in a relationship, did it all crumble to hell.

3 years of adoration, 1 week of bliss, 4 months of misery, 28 months of being emotionally dead.  and now that you’re up to speed~

when i finally stopped hurting i realized the pain seemed to take away my pleasure, i felt emotionally and sexually dead, i stopped caring, i felt hopeless, i gave up, and i felt this was how things were going to be from now on; i would remain stoic and my endeavors would remain utterly worthless and life seemed pointless.   hell, the last girl i dated had left me december 25th, 2004, and i can’t even recall the last time i’ve been kissed, though i can assure you it wasn’t on that day.

to get to the point, which might seem surprising that there is one rather than just my sob story drivel, i encountered feelings i didn’t think i would ever experience again.  in a sort of random decision to watch terminator salvation at its midnight release, i happened across someone and by rare fortune found myself in conversation with her.  what we said wasn’t really important, it was fairly stupid honestly, just us exchanging coy lines about trivial concepts; it was simply as all hell “amazing”.   i cannot recall how long it’s been since i’ve been so happy to talk with someone, or how it feels to wish you could spend just a second more in that moment.

most of the movie i spent just thinking of her, and hoping i could bump into her again after the theater began to empty.  quite to my disbelief i did, i saw her some distance away leaning up against the wall staring straight toward me.  nervous and happy as could be i step closer and closer, and when my approach draws close her gaze widens and her eyes follow me, and just when i stand within the comfortable distance to speak, and she stares wide eyed at me, she says hello… to the person directly in front of me.

i choke on my own hello, grasping what just happened in the middle of my breath, and sulk past her.  in lack of content with this, or perhaps just me not yet fully grasping the concept she had no intents of talking to me, i turn back around for just a second and make eye contact.  now in a moment of sheer nostalgia i make a much more complete fool of myself and said something about a movie, i’m not even sure what i said before my attempt at making words come out of my mouth melted into a sigh, and i walked away feeling a very familiar thing.  mostly i felt stupid, but there was  just enough of a hint of infatuation that i could not stop thinking about her and beating myself up about it from that point up until this very moment where i decided to share the experience with my readers (search engine spiders).

so i sit here a moment away from going to sleep, feeling sort of bittersweet in the knowledge that out of nowhere i was able to have some rekindled spark and look at the world just a bit more like i used to, but at the same time having it come out of yet another bad encounter.

anyway, the movie  was pretty good, it had a serious nature somewhere between the first and second movies, and wasn’t at all cheesy or retarded like the 3rd.  if you’re a fan of the terminator series though and planned on watching this at some point, i recommend you get your popcorn in hand and your ass in a seat quickly, because it won’t be long before other people’s incessantly large mouths ruin the surprises and interesting moments the movie has in it.

so there we have it, my first movie review post.

…yup…

l j holbrook

art is hard to define, and harder still to have people agree upon that definition, this i think has greatly led to people destroying much of the meaning of the word altogether and has led it to being thrown around in description for absolutely “anything”, especially when people are trying to describe something as simply being at a masterful skill level.  in that sense people can argue that bagging groceries is an art, or that the gestures a factory worker performs is an art.  all i can say is that’s not my “art”, an artists touch will impact everything they do from how they decorate their house to how they make their waffles, but that doesn’t lend itself to mean every thing they touch or do is art.  i’m fine with people saying art is everywhere; i’m not fine with people saying everything is art.  nature is not art, but capturing a moment of it within a photograph is, and to me, every piece of art tells a story, even if the story is a lie, or tends to differ.

i personally segregate arts between what we commonly know as “fine arts” and pretty much “everything else”, even music for the most part.  there’s already definable words and explanations for what a person does or is, this person is a musician, a guitarist, a singer, a vocalist, a drummer, a designer, director, actor, engineer, dancer… and of course painters, sculptors, illustrators, and photographers~

what seperates things to me is what the end product is, what did you create?

what is a song? it’s music, a concept which is instantly understood around the world.
what is a blueprint? it’s a design, a no nonsense unembellished map of construction.
what is a mechanical construct? it’s a machine or utility, engineers solve problems of practicality, they don’t “make art”, they “make use”.

yet things like this people often relate or describe as being an art.

now what is a painting, a drawing, a sculpture? it’s art, and unlike the previous there’s simply no other way to explain it or describe it, which is why it’s called art all the time, not just when someone wants to boast about being an “ar-teest”.  these are the very things that the word “existed to describe” when coined, and is where the term art for art’s sake came from in the sense of explaining its differences from things which are not art and are created for specific uses or functions; which is of course indicative of “applied art” when people began implementing it into other things which are not art but benefit from it.

art isn’t by any defining purposes is not necessarily ever expected to, supposed to, and definitely not require to have a “use”, which is what separates it from everything else, and why music as well as photography is so easily added to the list of what people refer to as “arts”.

something that flat out pisses me off however is anyone and everyone at the drop of a dime being able to somehow feel justified in calling themselves an artist despite their proficiency, capability, or experience.  though i can’t win the argument in saying that they aren’t, i have issues with most people who will claim themselves to be an “ar-teest” when a lack of effort and passion is present nonetheless.  in retrospect i am at least afforded the right to critique something as being bad art and/or able to question any truth to their motives, i know many people are quick to defend that there is no such thing as bad art, my only question is how they are able to then say something is “good”.  if you want to see some bad art i don’t have to point fingers, i’ve made plenty of it myself over the years.  whether someone appreciates it is completely beside the point of “achieving the intent”.  taking snapshots with a disposable camera does not mean you’re a photographer, taking them with a six thousand dollar one doesn’t either; even getting a good shot means nothing without intent or understanding.  it’s the same logic one would use in saying it doesn’t matter if in shooting and killing 25 people, that one of them happened to be a criminal, what merit is added to your actions even if someone does admire the fact you killed someone they destested?

that’s not to say it is not a simple pleasure and convenience which people should be afforded to be able to take pictures of whatever captures their interest themselves, or that they should be the slightest bit concerned how someone else thinks they turn out, but how many people would you trust your wedding pictures to?  most likely it’s going to be a professional “photographer”, not your cousin bill and his 3 dollar disposables.  people are going to bring their cameras for their own interests, a photographer is such a case is going to be looking out for yours.  any photo will show a captured moment, but the purpose of taking your own photos is to capture your moments, but is it art?

i’m always reluctant and somewhat uneasy about claiming myself to be an artist, but art is what i make; if i made music i’m pretty sure i’d call myself a musician, if i drafted up blueprints i’d most assurdly call myself an architectural/mechanical designer.  so why are these things so often turned around and rather called art?  do people think it portrays what they do in a better light?  why is artist of the year a music award?  why isn’t it musician of the year, composer of the year, or songwriter of the year?  why does it even bother me i wonder.

some see art as being superflous and nothing special, essential, or of contribution to society, i see art as being more special than most talents or endeavors for the simple fact that unlike so many other things it is not essential, and i see no limit to what it gives people.  art is not about utility, use, or function; it’s meant for purposes of appreciation and expression.  take a glass sculpture compared to one of stone or metal, does it not make sense that among the very reasons the glass will by many be preferred and considered more precious by most, is because that it is fragile, and as such it must be appreciated, handled, treated, and looked upon differently because of it?  look at the old expression of a “glass cannon” in the aspects of art, and then in the aspects of design and engineering, see any differences yet between appreciation and expression, as compared to the simple and unmistakable utter failure in use, utility, and function?

there’s a big difference between the skill and how you use it, and a bigger difference between being an artist and producing art.  i’d look at my dentist as being an artist long before i would an engineer or drafter, and have compared and complimented their craft to that of an artist on more than one occasion.  as far as medium, and the unexistent limits of concepts go though, the true definition of art is simply in the deemed intention of the creator, which is why a toilet can be art, but your toilet is not.  the words art and artist gets thrown around so much that i think it easily rivals word “love” and how much its meaning has become depreciated.

but regardless of what art is, even if we never agree or find common ground to which we define it, there’s no mistaking that art exists to put color in our world, and sometimes does so by taking it out.  very simply… without art, and with the way we as humans are bound to continue shaping and molding the the planet we live on, we’d be living in a world very much like something a “machine” would create; bland and utterly devoid of interes.  so as a preservation to our humanity and to our identity, i see art, whatever it may be, as being absolutely necessary in our lives.

l j holbrook